Sunday, January 30, 2011

Siblings and SEX

I'm a middle child. I have a brother who is two years older than me, and a sister who is five and half years younger ("the oops baby"). I think my brother lost his virginity when he was a senior in high school but I'm not certain and we have never discussed it. He had a casual "girlfriend" or two in high school, a serious girlfriend for three and a half years in college and beyond, and now he's coming up on his one year relationship mark with another woman - so I think it's safe to say he's sexual active.

I have never thought of sex as a big deal or a life-altering once in lifetime gift (as long as you're safe or comfortable with the decision to not use protection - I'm guilty of both), and I've been pretty honest with my sister on my sexual relations - one night stands, blow jobs, pregnancy scares (aren't those fun?!), etc.  I might have omitted a couple relations with her, for example: when I was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend for a few months, he who slowly broke my heart and fiercely stomped on it, and then my sister had to mend it for me, and he was basically using me for sex, which I didn't assume at the time, instead I was thinking "oh maybe we'll get back together now" - what a foolish girl I was. 

The point is, I've been open with her about hooking up, sex, and all the disasters that go with it because we're close and when she asks a question I tell her the truth: "Sex didn't really hurt me the first time" "Yeah I've had sex on my period" "I usually swallow" - you get the idea. I have wanted her to have a realistic view about sex and relationships, and to make her own well-informed decisions.

I remember the first time my sister told me she gave a guy head, and another time when she said the guy fingered her. I have a friend who only just started giving head, so at the time here is my 17 year old sister is going to town while one of my closest friends won't go down under. 

In September she called, the morning after she threw a party at our house when our parents were out of town, to tell me that she couldn't find the remote for the TV in the family room she thought someone took it, the house smelled like beer cans and throw up, one of her slutty friends (who actually is a slut) had sex in my bed, and the bomb - she had sex.  

I'm fairly certain my heart stopped beating for a millisecond. I knew it was only a matter of time, so-to-speak, since she was HookingUp-Active (everything but sex), yet I still hoped in the back of my mind/heart that she'd wait. Not wait forever, or till the love of her life, but till she was in college, or in a relationship. Not just with the guy she use to like and who sort of liked her but then he was an ass to her for no reason and made her depressed over the summer and then just had consensual meaningless sloppy first-time virgin sex. That she wouldn't be a full-blown high school promiscuous slut who carries that reputation, and numbers, to college. Alas, there was nothing I could do about it, I had to put on my sister confidant face and ask the burning questions: "Are you ok? Were you safe? Was it ok? How do you feel? Did it hurt? Did you like it? Are you guys making this a regular thing?" "Yes. Yes. I don't know, I guess. Fine, kind of sore. Yeah it did. Yeah, kind of. No." Phew. Ok, check. Safe, check. Enjoyed it, check.

She called me today to tell me she had sex with her boyfriend for the first time last night. They've been dating a couple months and, while it's high school "love" - lust, I know she's happy. She's not a slut though. This is her second time having sex, with the second guy. And as K puts it, she's experienced, and experimenting. This time around it didn't come as a surprise, I knew it was only a matter of time before her and her boyf had sex, they've been through too much to not go all the way now. Here's a story via text message between my sister and I, dated 1/15/2011: 
Sister: "Omggggg traumatizing experience last night"
A:"What? Are you ok?"
Sister:"Hooking up. He's fingering me. I then GET MY PERIOD while he's finger me. It was mortifying"
A:"Ew, bloody sick. What did he/you say/do...? And don't you keep track of this shit?! Get a calendar."
Sister:"shut up. I noticed and I'm like stop. He's like why..? I'm like just stop. I think I got my period. He's like check my hand. So I do then I say go to the bathroom and wash your hand. OMG. It was awful!! Hahah now we are veryyy comfortable with each other though"
A:"Yay, for bringing yall closer. I mean I've had sex on my period/towards the end of it, but I've always known about it - it hasn't taken me by surprise. Getting it during fingering or sex is a nightmare of mine."
Sister:"One of mine too. And its a guys worst nightmare also. Along with getting girls pregnant. Found that out last night. But ahhh it was an awful awful experience. He freaked out. Then was being sweet and comforting me."
A:"Aw, that's good of him for being kind, I can't imagine how gross and awful he felt." 
Sister:"I knowwwww. He's like I'd rather it be on my dick than my hand, I eat off my hand. I just kept apologizing and he's like no stop, it's not your fault. Hahah yeah so that's how our night ended. He and I have a blood bond."

I have a feeling that some of her disasters will be worse than mine...
she's just growing up so fast, and it's getting me sentimental. 

As the older sibling I have the responsibility to look after my sister, but I can't judge her for doing this or tell her not to do something, when it's things I've done and continue to do. I tell her to have fun and be safe, and to tell me what she wants, which is too much information sometimes everything. 
I don't know - am I being a bad sister? Am I encouraging her sex habits?



  1. I have two younger brothers, and I've watched them grow up from the little kids that played with sesame street and play-doh to making penis jokes and air-jerking. One of them is 16 now and he is starting to date a girl that is 17, and she already has been experimenting as you say haha. I worry and ask myself if I should tell him to wait, but I didn't since at 18 I was willing to hook up with practically any girl that look at me twice. Hmm, definitely its a dilemma...

  2. For reasons such as this, I wish I had a sister! You are def not being a bad sister- I think she would do whatever she wanted to do regardless of what you've shared with her, but the difference is is that she's honest with you about what she does, which is awesome. Jealousss. I would die before I talked about such things with my brothers.

  3. My little sister and I had an almost sex conversation once. She's eighteen and a college freshman with a steady (and very respectful) boyfriend. I was drunk. I said "are you guys having sex? Wait, nevermind. Jesus Christ."

    I don't there is such a thing as a good or bad way to handle it with a younger sibling. More than anything, I just want my little brother and sister to be comfortable with whatever they do.

  4. Talking sex with my sister is always soothes my heart