Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Tales from eHarmony: The walk me to my car guy


This past week I agreed to go against my instincts and partake on a first date with a gentleman from the online world.
Yeah, I had my concerns, like I always have before a first date.  But eHarmony seemed to think we would be a good match and I’m trying to be more outgoing and meet guys in a more “sober” setting. 

Originally he suggested Friday after work at a place in Arlington.  I didn’t see this message until Friday morning and as a rule of thumb I like giving myself 24 hours before a first date.  And on this particular Friday and on most Fridays I had not showered and was wearing clothes that might have been a little too scurvy for work, let alone a date.   

I asked if we could meet up on Saturday and perhaps a place more central then Arlington, since I live in the NE of DC.
He came back with “how about 7:30 at Rock-N-Roll hotel by where you live.”
Immediately I judged that he wanted to go to Rock-N-Roll for a first date… it isn’t the worst place for a first date, but it isn’t a place I go sober… I agree because I definitely didn’t want to venture over to VA on my Saturday off or go to a bar in my neighborhood that I actually liked.

In typical fashion, I arrived early and if this date happened to take place 2 years ago I would have waited for him outside.
I decided to head inside.
Inside was a bar with empty bar stools and I knew I could get a beer before having that awkward “hey, K?!?!? is that you?" conversation.

I sent him a quick text to let him know where I was at. “Hey *insert Boys name*. This is K, I got here a little early and headed upstairs.  But no worries, take your time.”
No response back.
Ten minutes later he arrives.

First Reactions: He looks like his photos, but I was still expecting a taller “bigger” guy. 
But then again, I’ve dated “short” and “skinny” guys before and most of the time a great personality will over shadow the height issue.  

We begin the typical first date conversation. 
He is a “musician” and as a girl who lives with two “musicians” I thought I had a lot to add to this conversation.
And unlike my roommates he didn’t talk up his job at all.  There wasn’t even a single “I love my job” side comment made (I even think I said I loved my job, which is a half a lie).
Instead there was a lot of bringing up the negative parts of his job: “Trumpet players are mean, they are insecure, and they aren’t great people to be around.” 
Followed by a “but ummm, I’m not like that.”

Here I quickly notice that he says “but ummm” before every sentence.
I notice I start saying it and then I remember that HIMYM episode where Robin is told she says “But ummmm" A LOT.
I stop.
He doesn’t.

We talk about camping.  He doesn’t like camping.
We talk about bluegrass. He hates Bluegrass. 
We talk about working on the weekends.  And he tells me I don’t get it.
I mention that I use to work every weekend and that I get it.
He still claims that I don’t get it bc he works with kids.
I tell him I worked in a museum and did educational hands-on programing for kids.
But apparently I still don’t get it.

The only thing we have in common is that his parents are from Iowa.
This was probably the reason I agreeded to go on a date with him.
He turned out to be the opposite of what you would expect from a "midwest guy."
(but then again, he grew up in Falls Church... which is the complete opposite of Iowa.)

To me it is clear we have nothing in common.
But I'm nice and continue talking to him.
Even after I notice that he is two drinks in and is already slurring his words.
I try to pretend I don't notice and start talking about my friends. 
I mention that this bar down the street has “Grapefruit” beer and how my friends and I have an ongoing joke about it.
He states “I love Grapefruit beer, we should go! Let’s go there next!”

Crap, why did I mention that.
We close out our tabs. 
Crap, I paid for my own b/c Rock-N-Roll hotel made me give them a Credit Card when I arrived.  But I’m okay with that.  I would rather pay for my own drinks when I have no interest in seeing a guy again.
He pays in cash.  Which I always think is weird.

We head to The Queen Vic.  Where he orders two Grapefruit beers.
I quickly change my order to a normal beer. 
He pays for them.  (At least I got one free drink out of this).

Three beers in and I’m pretty sure he is drunk. 
Three beers in and I’m thinking of my escape route and which bar I want to solo drink at when this is over.   ""Hmmm… the pug would be good, but I might run into someone I made out with once and my ego can't take that right now.  Argo is too far away. It looks like Star and Shamrock for the win!""

yes, yes you are. 

Back to the date:
While I’m letting my mind wonder and clearly being a bad date I notice that every guy in this bar is tall.  It is almost like every guy tall guy in DC knew I was going on a bad date with a short guy and decided to head to the Queen Vic.

He goes to the bathroom… 4 times in the 30 minutes.  (and I thought my bladder was small)
I go to the bathroom because I’m bored and I want to text my friend and tell her about all the tall guys that happened to show up.
I come back.
He mentions his height. 
Crap, I have to tell him he isn't that short. I hate lying 
He answers his phone (and incase you missed it we were on a date... rude!)
A guy I use to date comes in with his new girlfriend.  A guy who recently deleted me from Facebook and a guy who has mastered the art of avoiding eye contact with me. 
I’m over this. 
I’m so over this.
He gets off the phone and I tell him I’m ready to leave.

We walk outside and when we get to the corner of 11th and Hst, he states “Can you walk me to my car?”
In my head I’m screaming “hell to the No!” but “Yeah, sure” comes out. 

I walk him to his car, give him a hug goodbye, he states that we should do this again, and I agree.
He walks to his car door and says “I’ll send you an email.”
I respond “you have my phone number, you can just call me.”
He says “nah, I like email.”

He unlocks his door.  I give him a look like “aren’t you going to offer to drive me the 6 blocks home
But state “Ummm, I guess I’m going to walk this way.”

Yes, you read that correct: He made me walk him to his car but didn't offer me a ride home.  

he drove away and I walked away to another bar thinking "a second date is never ever going to happend"  and "I hope tonight isn't the night that someone decided to attack me."

-K

At 1:20 am after a handful of beers in I see that he had sent me an email asking me out again.  An email I found hilarious enough that I showed the strangers next to me and the bartender.


this date was awkward but not as awkward as these guys:



related:
back in Dec 2010 I almost didn't go on a date with this guy b/c he didn't offer to walk me home. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

British guys and hotel rooms


It is a fact that most guys get more interesting after you've had a handful of drinks and become 10x cuter at bar close.
Now just imagine a group of guys with British accents and an offer to drive you home after you realize that the last bus has come and gone.
Then clearly the guy in question suddenly becomes the most attractive person in the bar and at the moment in the world.  

Luckily for me the guy I'm talking about was not the married gentlemen celebrating his 40th birthday who originally hit on me and bought me a Miller Lite (cheap ass).
It was obviously the youngest person in the group at the age of 31.

I originally headed to this random Chinatown bar after I found out the next X2 bus home wouldn't come for 50 mins and who has time to wait for the bus when you can drink at a bar for 40 mins?
I thought this plan was genius!
Until I got caught up talking to this group of men and missed the bus.

What was a girl to do? 
Clearly take a taxi... Expect that when I'm drunk I have irrational fear of taxis.
Of course I don’t have an irrational fear of talking to strangers with accents.
I have my priorities straight!

Just at the moment when I thought, “crap, I have to get cash and take one of those scary yellow things home” they offered me a ride.
Win!
And in typical drunk girl fashion I thought, “going to their hotel room would just be easier

But before agreeing to go home with the group of guys I sent my sister a text filled with their four photos.
With a tag line "if I die. They did it."
I've seen Criminal Minds and I was just covering up my tracks.

notice 2:45... what was I thinking


And now begins the story of how I made out with a British guy in a hotel room with his newly 40 year old friend sleeping in the bed next to us.
And as a shocker to myself (and to my sister) I was still alive the next morning and still wearing clothes!
wins!

And as much as I wanted to check off "have sex in a hotel room" off my list of things I need to do in my life.  I just couldn't get myself to do it.  His friend was in the next bed and plus he was a bad kisser… in my experience bad kissers are generally bad at everything.  

And more importantly I was tired, it was late, and I had a full day of drinking in me. And I couldn’t justify in my head –even my drunk head- that doing this would be a good idea.  (Does that make me an adult? I'm pretty sure it does.)

The morning after his friend bought me a Gatorade and offered to give me cab money to get home.   I took the Gatorade, but let him keep his $20.00…. I really didn’t need to leave a hotel room with cash.
I like to keep it classy!

also: the next morning he definitely was not as good looking as he was the night before.  

-K

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The hidden perks of funemployment


as some of you may know at the end of August I decided to take the plunge and quit my job.... I was fed up, I needed a change, and wanted to explore some other interest. 
I decided to go on a road-trip to "find myself" and came back to DC to live in the real world as an unemployed person. 

5 months later and I finally got a new job!
*Hold for excitement*

Two days into this new life journey and I already realized a couple of things I'll miss about my funemployment. 

To begin
I've had this conversation plenty of times  

Weekday drinking:
There is nothing better then sitting at a local bar on Monday night and taking shots of jameson with a group of strangers who are just as laid back as you.  
Why would I want to deal with the weekend pressure of having to dress up, the large masses of people, not being able to get a seat at the bar, bartenders who don’t recognize you, and having to fight to get a drink?

More importantly if you have no limits on your nightly weekday drinking habits you can take advantage of all those chill local neighborhood activities, without having to worry about drinking too much.   
Want to get bar food on a Tuesday, play trivia on a Wednesday, go to Bluegrass on Thursday, etc… go ahead.  No one will care if you’re hung-over the next day. 
Stay out until 1 am on a Tuesday and the only person who is going to judge is your up-tight employed roommates.  

Weekday Sex:
Post-road trip me came back to DC with this new philosophy: I can have random sex with random guys and not let my emotions get involved.  And as long as I am being safe, what is the harm in having a little fun?...
It turns out that the first guy (Boy 1) I tried to have fun-careless-sex with wanted to go on dates with me, introduce me to his friends, and was constantly asking to define our relationship.  I didn’t want to date him and he was a little to “crazy-emotional-alcoholic” for my liking… I broke up with him 3 times before it stuck. 

role call:
Boy 1: We never had great sex and I didn’t care to date him…  But I did love waking up next to a person on weekday morning who constantly told me I was pretty.  
Boy 2: was a guy I made out with on a Thursday night at Sticky Rice during Karaoke.  He was 23 and fresh out of college.  He offered to walk me home and halfway to my house all I could think is “what in the world am I doing” and when we were successfully on my porch I thanked him, made-out with him some more, and didn’t let him in. (oopps… I think he’ll get over it)
Boy 3: aka bearded man.  The first night I went home with him we both passed out on different couches in his basement.  I didn’t get his number and he didn’t ask for mine.  A couple of weeks later we ran into each other again and this time exchanged numbers… and we eventually had sex.  Unlike Boy 1 I liked him, but unlike boy 1 he didn’t want to date me.  Life went on and for that short time I loved waking up next to a warm body with no worries. 
Boy 4: After bar close on a Monday night we went to his friend’s house for a little after party.  Boy 4 and me spent the night making out in secret.... it was hot.  Like horny high school kids trying to hide their relationship from their friends/parents. At 4:00 am when I finally walked back to my place -alone- all I could think is that I wanted more. Nothing more ever happen and when I run into Boy 4 out we politely say hi to each other, and I'm okay with that.  A great secret 
  


I’ll miss these weekday random make-out session and morning cuddle parties without the stress of having to shower and looking great for work.  

Weekday Cultural events:
This is actually one thing I’ve always loved about not working weekdays.
The majority of DC cultural events/Museums are free and if you have weekdays off you don’t have to worry about fighting the crowds.  You can just spend your Monday afternoon exploring American Art (one of my favorites) or checking out the mall stress (and tourist) free. 

Weekday Sleeping in:
Lets be honest here… I’ll miss this the most.

The not so hidden downfalls of Funemployment:

The constant feeling that you’re not good enough and the constant wondering on why you didn’t get that job you interviewed for?  Why don’t they like me… cue pity fest? 

There is also a small very small chance I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic…. I mean, it's normal to drink a bottle of wine at night and feel fine in the morning. Right?

but lets be honest, I decided to leave my last job and any downfalls of "funemployment" were still better then that crappy job I had in August.  

heres to hoping I'm never unemployed again!

-K

and just because I like this song:

Monday, February 4, 2013

Mr. Bearded Man and being a Hot Mess


I’m in complete like with a boy who is either really too busy to hang out with me, just wants to have sex, or is just completely ignoring me.

Let see how to sum this up for my readers:
Girl meets boy.
Boy has beard.
Girl falls in like with his beard.
Girl goes home with boys and passes out on a couch.
The next morning girl is too embarrassed to ask for boy’s number.

No let’s flash forwarded a couple of weeks later. 
Where this girl runs into this boy again after a night of sangrias. 
Girl gives boys her number.
Boy kisses girl.
Girl leaves bar giddy like a schoolgirl.

Flash forward to the next week.
Girl and boy hang out on Wednesday
Girl sleeps with boy.
Boy hangs out with girl on Thursday.
Girl lets boy go home with her on Thursday
Boy stops talking to her on Friday.

before you judge... what was a girl suppose to do? remember I said he had a BEARD!


Then I have to deal with this boy doing the “I’m going to ignore this girl until she gets the picture” thing.
I’ve done this to a handful of guys and I know how it works… I was once even told by my college roommate that this was the perfect way to get rid of a boy.
Worst advice ever!

But! out of nowhere this boy shows up to a place I actually invited him to. 
And now all I can think is “well at least I know that all he wants to do is have sex”
I’m a big girl. I can handle this.

But I get confused by his actions, he doesn’t appear to act like he just wants to have sex.  And after a handful of drinks I tell him “you know we don’t have to date, we can just have sex, or we can date, or we can just be friends… it is all up to you. Just let me know, b/c I don’t like not knowing.”
He responds. 
But just like a dream sequence in a chick-flick I don’t remember his answer.
All I remember is his smile.
Mmmmm, I like his smile.

But however he responded did convince my drunk-ass self to let him go home with me.  Where we promptly got naked and did not have sex.  I’m 95% positive we didn’t have sex because I apparently drank like a 19 yr girl who just discovered shots for the first time. 

The icing on the cake was halfway through the night when I awoke with that horrible feeling of still being drunk but knowing you need to throw up.  
Where I had no choice but to ramble random words when I left the room and decided that passing out in the bathroom was a great idea.  Who knows how long I used my towel as a pillow before returning to my bed.

I was a hot mess….



The only redeeming feature of the night was when I finally found my way back to my bed and he cuddled up with me. 
It was perfect…. The reason you want a boyfriend.

Lessons I should have learned from Mr. Bearded Man…. Boys are confusing folks and you really shouldn’t try to have an intense conversation after any combination of vodka, beer, and shots. 
More importantly: I need to deal with the fact that this Man may not want to date, that he probably just wants to make out with me on his terms, and that my life will go on.

And I know I'm throwing feminism back 20 years by saying this out loud:
But I’m kind-of okay with hooking-up on his terms… because lets be honest I think he is attractive and I can’t find anyone else I actually want to have sex with. 

-K


yes, Ke$ha I would like to dance with no pants on... it is my favorite way to dance.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

road trip and life.


I’ve been distant, yeah I know.  This blog has become something I use to do. Something I use to love.  Something that use to define me.  Now it just something saved on my desktop.  

For the past month I have been on a cross-country road trip. 
I got fed up.
I quit my job.
I flew to Iowa.
Picked up my car and left.
I had no timeline
I had no idea what I was doing.
No idea where I was going.
I just had a tent and a credit card.
I was good.

I had a lot of breaking points on this trip.  I like telling people about these breaking points more then I like telling them about the awesome national parks I stayed at.  These points helped me define who I am.
I learned more about myself in the month I was gone then in the 26 years I have been alive. 

When I found myself at Yellowstone where it was raining and I woke up with ice on my tent, I realized I give up too easily.
K-starting a fire isn’t that hard and if you are going to let a little rain stop you what are you going to do in the real world when it appears life is out to get you?

In Oregon when I got lost on one of those curvy dark roads and my GPS couldn’t connect to a satellite and my phone had no service, I freaked out.  Tears streaming out of my eyes and there was no place to stop or turn around.
Eventually I made it back to a main road and promptly got a hotel room and a bottle of wine. 
The next night I had one of the best camping experience every. 
From this low point came an amazing memory.
crazy beautiful sunset on the coast or Oregon... and hour later I was lost. 

In Capitol Reef national park while I was watching the sunset on a side of a cliff by myself and missing the real world for a little bit I figured out dating.
My past failed relationships were never a result of me not being right or the guy not being right… we just weren’t right for each other. 
At one point and one moment on a cliff I got over every guy I have ever dated. 
I decided to stop searching.
To stop stressing out about something that I know will eventually just happen.
The cliff 

At the National Bridges National Monument while looking at the stars I realized how little we are and as I was wishing that I wasn’t viewing them by myself I was content with being able to see the stars with out the sounds or the lights of the city distracting me. 
You realize when looking at the stars in Utah that there are things in your life and things in this world that are bigger then your personal problems.
Being unemployed right now, living with out health insurance, and having to pause paying off my loans for a small period of time isn’t going to cause the end of the world… it shouldn’t even cause me additional stress.
stock image from the NPS website... my camera would not be able to take this photo


In forty years I won’t remember being unemployed, but I’ll always remember the stars in Utah.

-K